


My Funny Valentine

by Two_Guns_And_A_Knife



Category: Stephanie Plum - Janet Evanovich
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-02-21
Updated: 2014-07-26
Packaged: 2018-01-13 06:40:49
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 4,128
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1216372
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Two_Guns_And_A_Knife/pseuds/Two_Guns_And_A_Knife
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In memorial of Colonel Meow. A tale of two unlikely friends. Babe HEA. And the Bat Baby is here. Theme Song: Livin' La Vida Loca by Donkey and Puss in Boots from Shrek 2.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Dark Lord

**My Funny Valentine**

**~A Tale Of Two Unlikely Friends~**

_*Snow Day*_

_"Dude," Says the nonchalant one-eyed big black cat. "You are supposed to watch over the kid, not drool all over him."_

_The all black ex-military dog keeps his silence and desperately tries to look cool._

_A drop of dog slobber lands on the carpet._

_The big badass dog cringes and winces._

_The cat rolls his remaining eye._

_The little boy giggles._

* * *

***Dark Lord***

"No. You can't bite his head off." Says the cat named Shadow. "He'll call animal control. They'll come and take you away. You will die in a cold and lonely place."

Mordor, the ex-military dog, looks torn.

"However," the big black one-eyed cat continues. The all black badass dog smiles.

Where there's a will, there will always be a way.

Joe Morelli jumps away from the cradle and curses as Mr. Plum's huge menacing-looking dog pisses on his leg.

Mrs. Plum's cat lets out a soft snort.

It's such a beautiful day.

And the story begins.


	2. Partners in Crime

_***Ray of Light*** _

_Helen stood there silently watching as they buried Rex under the rose bushes._

_Ranger was gentle and quiet. Stephanie was all in tears. And at that moment Helen knew. Whom her younger daughter really needed. Whom her younger daughter really loved. Helen smiled and went back inside the house as Ranger wrapped Stephanie in his arms. And that night when they were preparing for bed, Helen told Frank she wanted to have another cat. As usual, Frank didn't object. The next day Helen drove all the way to the shelter and almost burst into tears at the sight of the thin tired cat. Pain. Resignation. Despair. The cat curled himself into a ball. Helen couldn't move away from the cage._

_"Kitty," The word slipped out of Helen's mouth, and slowly the cat raised his head to look at her. He had only one eye left. Helen's heart melted. She knew she was here to rescue this cat. The shelter staff didn't know what exactly had happened to the cat. The vet kept the cat in the hospital for 2 days. From the look on Frank's face, Helen knew that he, too, had fallen for the cat._

_"Welcome home," Helen's mother said as she scratched the cat under his chin. "Shadow."_

_Everyone agreed it was the perfect name._

* * *

***Partners in Crime***

Mordor stands tall and high.

Mordor stands very still.

"Concentrate. Think happy thoughts." Mordor closes his eyes and raises his chin.

The alluring aroma dances and sings in the air. Mordor almost drools.

Shadow takes pity on him and swipes the cupcake off the table.

Mordor wolfs down the cupcake.

Mordor happily wiggles his tail.

Ah, he loves cats.

Especially this big black one-eyed one.

 


	3. Smoky Days

_***** _ **Smoky Days** _***** _

_His solider died on the helicopter._

_Something inside him broke into tiny little pieces._

_He overreacted to loud sudden noises._

_"Don't worry, boy. We'll find you a good home."_

Mordor stirs in his sleep.

_Every morning _ _Colonel took him__ for a long walk._

_Colonel didn't talk much._

_Colonel lived alone._

_Colonel coughed a lot these days._

_"Honestly, Frank. You are my last resort."_

_He overheard Colonel talking on the phone._

__"Goodbye, _ _Mordor."___ _ _Colonel smiled, his raspy voice gentle, his face thin and pale._ _"Be a good boy."_

Mordor lets out a soft whine.

_Sugar. Butter. Pastries._

_Gravy. Mashed potatoes._

_Cat._

_He fell in love with the scent of the house._

_He didn't bark._ _He wiggled his tail._

_He was a bit nervous._

_He was a bit uncertain._

_He knew he would be sent away to a new home._

_If he failed to obtain_ _the_ _cat's trust and approval._

_"What happened to your eye?" He couldn't help asking._

_"It's complicated." The cat studied him for a moment and finally answered._

_He felt sorry for the cat._ _The cat almost smiled._

_Grandma patted him on the head._

Mordor wakes up bathed in sunlight.

Shadow is still fast asleep by his side.

Mom is baking cookies.

The house is very quiet.

Sugar. Butter. Cat.

His solider. And the Colonel.

_Sir. Yes, Sir._

Mordor closes his eyes and lets his invisible tears fall.

_I'll be a good boy._


	4. Master Mind

_*** **Ordinary Love**** ***** _

_They started off the wrong foot._

_He decided to try again._

_Nah. He was never a cat person. And he didn't plan to become one, to be honest. The cat didn't like him, he could tell._

_Maybe that was because he smelled of Bob. _Maybe that was because of the disgust he'd felt. This was the first time he'd seen an one-eyed cat, after all. Sometimes it was better to put the animal out of misery. Sometimes it was better to save yourself the time, the money, and the troubles.__

__Or maybe _ _that was because the cat was black and quiet and looked weathered and smart and thus reminded him of someone else.___ _

____Yeah, he was still upset that Stephanie hadn't called him the day she'd woken up to find her pet hamster dead. He should've been the one who'd wrapped her in the arms. _ _ _ _He should've been the one who'd wiped away her tears. He was her boyfriend and they were practically engaged, for crying out loud. And she'd called Ranger instead._____ _ _ _ _All of a sudden the smell of pot roast made him nauseous. The cat just sat there, on the cat tree, staring at him, as if wishing him ill._ _Don't be silly, Morelli. Firmly he told himself._ _Bravely and casually, he reached out a hand and forced a smile on his face. T_ _he cat hissed and swiped at his hand. He jumped back 10 feet and let out a curse. The cat lost its balance and stumbled to the floor._ _Stephanie rushed over to cuddle the cat to her chest. The cat let out a pitiful meow._

_Everybody stared at him._

_He felt embarrassed_ _and strangely_ _angry and ashamed._

_As on cue his phone rang._

_He hastily excused himself, murmuring something about the emergency and a blurred apology. He could feel _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _Stephanie's________  eyes, like a pair of knives, on his back, boring holes through his heart and soul and dignity. He got into his car and with a shaking hand inserted the key. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. He berated himself and drove away from the familiar 2-story house._

_"Do not trust people your cat doesn't like." Grandma Mazur said to no one in particular._

* * *

***Master Mind***

The gentle Mocha Latte hand pats Mordor on his head. The simple wedding band catches a ray of light and shines brightly.

Shadow smiles at the memory.


	5. Cat Mojo

_***Cat Mojo*** _

_He wasn't a snuggle bunny. He wasn't a cuddle bug._

_And she smelled of rain and smoke._

_But he liked her. And all the catnip toys she'd brought._

_So he allowed her a hug._

_A brief one, of course._

_He freed himself._

_He cast another glance at the man who'd driven her here._

_He took another casual step closer._

_He didn't let his guard down._

_He felt a bit curious._

_He was slightly intrigued._

_He stepped closer._

_Closer._

_Closer._

_And closer._

_Ah, the man knew how to pat a cat._

_He leaned in to the warm gentle_ _Mocha Latte_ _hand._

_He purred._

_"He likes you!" Her tears were not yet dried._

_"Everybody likes me."The man in black smiled._

_"Always trust your cat's instincts."Grandma said from the kitchen._

_He purred louder._


	6. Joseph and His Colorful Raincoat

_*** **Joseph and His Colorful Raincoat**** ***** _

_Things had been tense between them._

_She'd lost yet another car._ _She'd again almost gotten herself killed._ _She refused to quit her job._ _He still hated that damned black cat._ _He was pretty sure they loved each other._ _He was getting tired of this never-ending circus._ _He was pretty sure she was The One. He was pretty she felt the same. He couldn't just cut the loss and walk away. A part of him suspected that maybe it was time to let go and find someone else._ _He was not getting any younger. He needed a more docile and less stubborn woman._ _He hated being indecisive. The baseball season was about to begin. He missed making love to her during the 7th-inning stretch on his chewed-up couch._

_They'd had yet another hell of a fight that day and he'd really lost his temper._ _He couldn't_ _take back his angry words._ _He had to make amends. He had to smooth things out._ _He had to heal her wound. He had to bring everything back to normal. Eventually she would quit her job. _Eventually she would make a choice. The Clock had been ticking. He knew she could hear it too. He checked himself in the men's bathroom mirror. Her mother would never turn__ _an uninvited guest away. It was_ _a strict, unspoken rule._

_He parked the car in front of her parents' house. The color was indeed ugly. However, he would keep his opinion to himself. Yeah, he was quite_ _handsome._ _He was very smart. He got out of his car. He walked toward the house. He knocked on the door. He smiled. Her mother looked surprised. He sat down at his usual place._ _She hadn't arrived yet._ _He tried to start a conversation with her father but was practically ignored. He kept on smiling._ _He heard the familiar engine. He could not hide his frown. The cat came out of nowhere and meowed. Ranger picked the cat up. The cat purred. Stephanie smiled. Mrs. Plum smiled. Mrs. Mazur smiled. Mr. Plum smiled. Stephanie sat the other end of the table, side by side with Ranger._

_A million emotions ran through his head._ _Stephanie concentrated on her food, on the cat, on her Grandma and parents, and on Ranger._ _She_ _wouldn't even glance his way._ _The cat sat quietly on the cat tree, staring daggers at his back._ _Tension choked him while everyone else was acting normal like nothing had ever happened._ _It felt like a scene from High School Musical._ _He wanted to smack the smile off Ranger's face but somehow suddenly didn't have the strength. He said goodnight and goodbye and stood there watching as Ranger drove Stephanie away. He turned his head and found the cat looking at him from the living room window. A cold shiver crept down his spine. C_ _ats can't smile. Or can they?_

_And ever since that evening, things got worse..._


	7. Oceans Of Night

_*** _ **Oceans Of Night**_ *** _

_It was the middle of the night._

_Everyone was asleep and the house was peaceful and quiet._

_Shadow woke up from his slumber and stared at the silvery ghost._

_The little hamster remained oblivious to the swirling time._

_The little hamster paid no attention to the living world._

_The little hamster sat in the middle of the old glass aquarium, chewing shadowy raisins._

_The small empty bedroom had been turned into a storage room and sometimes Shadow liked to sleep alone on the soft narrow bed._

_The ghost of the hamster appeared whenever the moon was full and somehow Shadow didn't want to scare it away._

_The transparent creature raised its head, sniffed the air, and then started washing its little face._

_Shadow closed his eyes._

* * *

_Moonlight shone through the curtains._

_Mordor widened his eyes. It was his first night here._

_The transparent creature inside the old glass aquarium turned to face the dog and the cat._

_It was time to move on._

_Rex smiled and dissolved into light._

_Mordor almost wept._

_"Come." Shadow led the way._

_From that night on, they slept in Grandma's bed._

* * *

Grandma snores like a train.

Shadow yawns and jumps off the bed.

Helen takes the dog for his morning walk.

Frank wakes up with a cat on his chest.

 


	8. April's Fool

_***April's Fool*** _

_He let her wrap her arms around his neck._ _She smelled of soap and flowery perfume. In silence her tears fell from her face. He wished he could chase away her sadness. Today she came alone. Shadow was napping on the cat tree. No one else was at home._

_Where was the talkative little pump man?_ _Where were the girls?_

_Her sobbing stopped. She wiped away her tears. She gave him a smile. She kissed him on top of his head before she left. "I'm okay now. Everything will be okay."_

* * *

Albert and the girls gather around the cat tree like the planets surround the sun. It's yet another Sunday afternoon. Dad is watching baseball.

Mordor licks Valerie's hand. He thinks she's most beautiful.


	9. King Of May

***King Of May***

_But he looked like a nice guy a_ _nd he smelled of dog. Of tomatoes. Of cheese. Of sunlight._ _And he was smiling._

_Grandma didn't trust him._

_Shadow didn't like him._

_Mom was being polite._

_Dad was not a fan of him._

_You should have faith in your own judgement. You should listen to your own instincts._

_Hearsay can't serve as evidence of anything._

_Mordor wiggled his tail at Joe Morelli._ _Stephanie arrived in time with company. Dinner started promptly. The big ebony man talked to Shadow in a sweet creepy voice._ _Everybody smiled._ _Joe Morelli almost snorted._ _Mordor tasted the fi_ _rst wave of doubt._ _Mom emerged from the kitchen with the coffee cake. Dad relaxed against the back of his chair._ _Stephanie kept ignoring Joe Morelli._ _Conversation started. G_ _randma asked yet another improper question. Dad rolled his eyes. Mom crossed herself. The _big ebony man tried not to burst out laughing.__ _Mordor widened his eyes and perked his ears. In alarm._ _The hairy hand crept closer and closer to Dad's cookies._

_Mordor growled._ _Joe Morelli froze. Everyone turned their heads._

Mordor hates thieves.


	10. Babe

_***Babe*** _

_Crisp clean smell._ _Energy._

_Calm._

_Assertive._

_Confidence._ _Sureness._ _Strength._

_Gentleness._

_Shadow purred in his lap._

_Mordor liked this tall dark man. Very, very much._

* * *

_They sensed the difference._

_The subtle changes._

_The mysterious chemistry._

_Mordor closed his eyes and took another sniff._

_Shadow twitched his tail._

_Stephanie wolfed down Ranger's chocolate cake._

_The sun. The moon. The stars. The ocean. The seasons. The earth. The wind._

_Ah, a_ _baby._


	11. Spring Haiku

***Spring Haiku***

_She sat down on the bed. She looked around the room._

_Something swelled in her chest as she thought of the past years._

_How time flew._

_How things changed._

_Her eyes lingered on the old empty glass aquarium._

_"I am going to become a Grandma." In a serene voice Helen told Shadow as the black cat crawled onto her lap. She had, long ago, poured the bottle of her hidden whiskey down the kitchen drain. Stephanie would be very happy. Helen smiled as her spidey sense kicked in._

_It would be a boy.  
_

* * *

Carefully Shadow keeps his tail out of reach.

The baby's tiny hand.

The smell of diaper and milk, and baby powder.

One day he will grow into a man like his father and he will love rich smooth dark chocolate and green organic tea.

Mordor sneezes.


	12. Merrily, Merrily, Merrily, Merrily

***Merrily, Merrily, Merrily, Merrily***

"What lips my lips have kissed, and where, and why, I have forgotten *****." Grandma smiles with her eyes closed, her voice softer than velvet, her hair whiter than silver. Yep, she's in a good mood. Grandma knows a lot of poems. Shadow doesn't care about poems. Mordor loves it when she reads them to him or tells him stories. Stories about how she and Grandpa met. Stories about her younger days. Stories about little known secrets. Mordor knows nothing about poems, but he loves Grandma's voice. "Thus in winter stands the lonely tree, nor knows what birds have vanished one by one—"

Grandma suddenly stops. Her smile now looks sad. Who is she thinking of? Grandpa? Or the tall young man who went to the war but didn't come back? Grandma wraps Mordor in her arms. Shadow looks out of the window at a noisy bird. No one else is at home. Tonight, after dinner, Grandma is going to an open casket viewing. She has just lost another friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Sonnet XLIII by Edna St. Vincent Millay


	13. All I Have To Do

_*** **All I Have To Do** *** _

_He was the last to know. How was he supposed to feel? He'd been bitch slapped. He'd been sucker punched. It wasn't fair. He'd been denied the chance to state his case. The way his friends had looked at him. They'd been so careful with their choice of words._ _"Come on, Joe. It's not the end of the world."_ _"Yeah, you will find someone else. Someone better."_ _He wanted to get out of his car, get in the house, sit down in his usual spot, look her in the eyes and ask her why._ _Why, Cupcake, why? Just because of my stupid words? Just because of his fancy cars?_

_His throat felt raw. His heart felt cold. He thinned his lips. He turned his head. Toward the ugly house. Toward his shattered hope. All the years wasted. All his fruitless efforts. She wouldn't budge. She wouldn't change. She wanted to be a woman of her own. Independence. Pride. Growth and career. And now all of a sudden she was going to throw it all away for another man. She was going to change for an_ _other man. He felt his anger rise. He felt his bitterness burn. He looked at her parents' house. His longing grew. Friday night family dinner. He wasn't invited._ _He reached for the car door handle. His hand froze._ _The cat appeared inside the window, staring his way. The dog popped up beside the cat, baring its teeth. He made a swift decision. He stepped on the gas and drove off. He kept his eyes away from the brand new shining black Porsche Cayenne._

_Money couldn't buy happiness. Their life styles would not match. Soon enough she would become his second ex-wife. They were doing this for the child's sake. Their marriage wouldn't last long. The whole thing was a mistake._ _She would regret her choice._

_He stopped at a red light. A blood-red top-down Ferrari slid to a stop in the next lane. The pug in the passenger seat was wearing a pink tiara._ _The golden-haired man behind the wheel looked strangely familiar. The light changed. The Ferrari sped away. Neither the man nor the dog paid him any attention. He kept on driving until he spotted a new pizza place. He found a seat and placed his order. The waitress smiled at him a little too friendly._ _His stomach growled. The aroma of of cheese engulfed him._

_He suddenly felt lost._


	14. The Sound Of Silence

***The Sound Of Silence***

The cat licks his paw.

The dog sits very straight.

The cat stretches and yawns.

The dog wiggles his tail.

The wedding date is approaching. The cat looks bored. The dog looks excited.

Black, black Shadow.

Dark, dark Mordor.

The cat and the dog look out of the living room window at a passing squirrel.

The Man in Black. And his loyal friend Tank.

Lula bursts out laughing.


	15. Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock

***Jingle Bell, **Jingle Bell, **Jingle Bell**** Rock***

They are home alone.

Shadow twitches in his sleep and lets out a moan.

What happened? When was he born? Where are his Mama and siblings? How did he lose his eye? Is he having a nightmare? How did he end up in a shelter cage?

Mordor looks on worriedly. He has so many questions. Questions he dares not ask. He wants to know the answers. He's afraid to know the answers. He wants to help Shadow relieve the pain. He doesn't want to remind Shadow of the pain. Some questions are better left unasked. Still he can't help feeling curious. Sometimes he misses his mother and siblings. He can't quite remember the breeder's home. He remembers running around the house playing with other puppies. He remembers his mother's smell. He remembers the panic and loneliness the night they took him away.

Shadow wakes up from his nightmare. He looks so small and so fragile. He looks so alone. Mordor feels the need to do something. To show something. To prove something important.

So he gets down and licks the cat.

Again.

And again.

And again.

Shadow finally starts to purr. And he almost smiles. Almost.


	16. Benjamin Buford Blue

_***Benjamin Buford Blue*** _

_The big orange ball of fur retched and threw up. Everyone in the waiting room frowned at the nasty smell._

_"We need to stop meeting like this, Bob." Dr. Halladay came out of the exam room and let out a sigh. "What did you eat this time?"_

_It was just another day in Bob Morelli's life. Joe Morelli looked on, embarrassed and worried. And he felt upset. He'd watched 100 episodes of **The Dog Whisperer**. He'd taken Bob to obedience classes. He'd tried to be a pack leader, to be stern and calm. But things hadn't gone as planned. Bob kept chewing up his shoes and couch. Bob kept gulping down his boxer briefs and socks. Bob kept pulling at the leash. Bob kept jumping at people. Bob always growled at other dogs. Bob always tried to chase cats and squirrels. He had tried all he could but still he couldn't stop Bob from being an undisciplined dog. And he couldn't stop Stephanie from falling in love with someone else._

_It felt like his life had fallen apart and he didn't have control over one single thing. Right now all he had was his house, his car, his dog, and his chewed-up couch. And he had paid big bucks for that couch. He loved that couch. Scandinavian style. Genuine leather. At first he'd thought it was no big deal. At first he'd thought he was just letting a dog be a dog. Play, eat, chase cats and chew up things. Running happy. Running free. Man's best friend and companion. Show him love and he would be happy and healthy. Sooner or later he would learn his lessons. Sooner or later he would obey and follow your rules. Sooner or later she would realize it was for her own good. Sooner or later she would understand how much you loved her. You just wanted her to be safe. You just wanted her to be happy. Sooner or later she would cooperate and repay your devotion. And you would both be happy. So happy. You were going to name your daughter Michelle. You were going to name your son Joseph. And then all of a sudden it'd all gone up in flames. Your love and life and dreams and hopes and wishes. Now she was walking around carrying another man's baby and the dog she'd dumped on you had eaten up the the leftover salad, chili and beans, and your last box of condoms. Life is so fucking unfair and still you are trying to figure out a way to win her back. What's so wrong with you, Joe? There are plenty of cupcakes out there in the fucking bakery, waiting to be eaten, waiting to serve, and to please. And they all taste better, can't you see?_

_"Joe? Joe? Did you hear me?"_

_He woke up from his trance to find everybody looking at him weird. Bob still looked like a mess. Dr. Halladay was looking at him patiently. No one in the waiting room made a sound. Frank Plum came into the clinic and the all black German Shepherd looked confident and well looked after. Both man and dog cast him a look and suddenly he felt ashamed. How could he take care of a wife and a couple kids when he couldn't even take care of his playful goofy dog? How could he build and protect his family when he wasn't even his dog's pack leader? He stood there feeling helpless. Bob looked at Mordor and let out a whimper. Germany beat the US in the World Cup. Ranger and his shining shining Porsche. Stephanie and the one-eyed big black cat. Everyone was curious about the baby's gender. Life was like a box of chocolates. He just wanted to run away and leave everything behind._

_He followed the vet into the exam room. Frank and Mordor paid him no attention._


	17. Flora. Fauna. Merryweather

*** **Flora. Fauna. Merryweather** ***

_He won't shave for the Yankees._

_He won't smile for the picture._

_He won't have a tongue of honey._

_He won't have a heart of deceit._

_He won't have skin as white as snow. He won't have lips as red as blood. He won't have hair as black as ebony...Or will he?_

She looked down at her belly.

Her morning sickness has ceased. Her appetite is growing. She's not wearing her diamond ring. She's constantly afraid that it might get stuck. Accidents happen all the time. What if...What if...

She looks at her mother's cat and the one-eyed all black cat lazily yawns. Her father's dog sniffs the air. The aroma of freshly baked homemade cookies fills her lungs. Everything is peace and quiet. Everything is full of life. She will give her son all the love she can give. The cat purrs.

She calms down.


End file.
